"i miss him. all time time i miss him. its not waves its constant. all the time..."
isabelle stevens

i wasnt expecting to fly to the moon
or to hear angels singing
or even to be floating on air
but the absolute emptiness that i was presented with surprised and shocked me
can pain really be the over arching emotion that engulfs you robs you till you are left with not even a spec of anything?
i want to feel again.
it might even be good to cry.
instead all i feel is that racing of my heart and the tightness in my chest that makes it hard to breathe.
a huge gulfing void.

sometimes it seems almost as though the heavens are crying for me
the tears that refuse to spill from my eyes

i guess i am learning to find happiness in the little things
and the stolen moments
rare intense special.
in those times my heart soars and i can almost here angels singing in my ear as the rest of the world simply just disappears
only problem is
happiness is such a transient emotion.

the constant steady flow of term papers and essays has rendered my brain incapable of processing thought.

c's leaving tomorrow.
interestinly enough, i do feel a little nagging feeling and a tugging at my heartstrings.

they say that we cant stand each other because we are too alike.
perhaps they might just be right
sometimes, similarities can tear you apart.

its nice to finally be back together again.
time plays jokes on you and brings you down different paths
but its nice at the end of the day to come back to the same familiar smiling faces and its comforting to know that we were all never really too far away.
i love the stupid jokes we make,
the silly remarks,
dumb questions
wierd reactions
and all the ridiculous crap that we do.
i appreciate the brutal honesty, value the comfort and encouragement.
(seriously lijie, you're just about the only one who can call me a slutty bitch and get away wtih it. HAH)
but yes i love you all anyways.

back to st nicks with abby today.
pictures speak a thousand words




this is the place i am proud to call myself a student off.
a place where i will always feel at home

theres nothing really much else to do except to sit around and will the day away.
watch the sun as it crawls across the horizon.

every wondered why it seems to take longer for the sun to set than rise?
its directly overhead at around 12-1 but only sets at 7.

i wake up a little later every morning so that the amount of hours i have to constantly face are significantly shortened.
the number of blinks at the empty blue wall of my run considerably reduced.
on some days, i wish i never had to crawl out of bed but instead could stay curled up under security of my quilt with my teddy bear in my arms, up high and away from the world to mull and mope and get lost in my fantasies of when the world was a much happier place.

i've asked myself why many times why. why i keep going back even though i know that theres nothing there left for me but a heap of dry dusty bones and a large pile of sand. that the momentary happiness i feel will simply just wither away into tears with the setting of the sun. but you see, the sunrise has never been more beautiful than when i am sharing them with you and even with the darkness that sets and engulfs me i still remember the warmth of the light on my skin. i dont know why, i just know...
its hard to forget because of the memories and all the emtional ties that we form and we make. the bonds we have forged seem almost close to impossible to simply just break and walk away from. its like having to bite your hand away to run from the chain and you still leave apart of yourself behind.
dying a little everyday.
when will i ever learn

was amazed by the entire old-schoolness of this device.
havent seen one of those in forever.
reminisent of childhood days.

its been a long week and i am glad its finally friday.
i guess i am just wishing for the days to race past because each new sunrise simply means that i have survived another day.
my minds a whirl and my heart feels somewhere inbetween absent hollw and thorn into a million pieces.
its like when you break a glass window and the shards lie shattered in a trillion different directions and all thats left is a huge empty gaping hole.

met b for breakfast yesterday.
and somehow those few hours made me realise how much i had given up and how much i had not treasured simply not noticed and not seen simply because i was so caught up blinded and consumed my chasing that one thing that was simply dragging me further down the hole that i've created for myself.

i really really need to get myself out of that hole before everything simply just consumes me.

happy birthday ben dearest
i guess i'll always have a soft spot for you.

*vivi: buy you more so-da-pia next time okay? haha

sometimes we'll be in the same place at exactly the same time and i can almost hear her voice its like i'm touching her. i'd like to believe she knows i'm there. thats all you get. moments. moments with the people you love.and they move on and you'll wnat them to move on but still thats all you get. moments.
danny, Grey's anatomy

i dont wanna live my life simply waiting for those moments to come.
to hang on the every last word and replaying each scene in my mind
to allow myself to be nothing more than this patetic creature clinging on for dear life.

i am much more than that.
its just hard to let go of something that i have know all my life
to only thing that i held on to.

but i'm trying.
admist tears, smoke and pain.
but i am trying.

bought this to share with the sister of mine.
actually its this deal we made but what the hell.
my new toy. (:

i will not cry.
simply because i refuse to waste another tear on you-
you for whom i would once give up the world myself and more
you who i can only now stare blankly in the eye
listen to our breaths at opposite end of the line
as a million thoughts swirl in my head.
everything yet nothing
its just empty space and the screaming silence that fills up the gaps inbetween.

i lack the strength to hate.
neither do i have the ability to love.

to you i have already given all of me.

there just isnt any more.

at the end of the day. you come back to the emptiness.
i was living for you.
i guess right now its time to start living for myself.
but i'm not good without you.

was talking to v online just now about one way streets and how you simply have to just keep on walking.
but i guess its never really just about walking.
we all walk all the time. its called muscle memory.
you can move around without actually being conscious of your surrounds or actions.
i guess the problem here is two fold.
firstly that we keep looking back over our shoulders and that causes us to fall and stumble a lot
and secondly that huge heavy baggage that we carry on our shoulders and never quite put down.
the overwhelming weight of just keeps pressing down and you stagger under the pressure.
and i believe at the end of the day, all the things that we hold on to is what is keeping is behind.
unfortunately though, its rarely that simple to simply just let everything go away.
the weight seems familiar and comforting.
that favourite vice, the sweetest down fall.
and because when you do let it go,
you come back to the emptiness.

i really havent the faintest idea what i am doing with my life.
happiness is like the morning dew that evaporates into nothingness vanishing into the air.
and i am just left floating.
aimless, directionless, unable to concentrate on a single freaking thing or thought.
lost helpless and pathetic
i hate being sick.
makes me feel emo.

feel like a ghost wandering the hallways of an empty house
slowly running my hands along the walls, the uneven bumps of the cracked paint beneath my fingertips.
its the hollow silence thats screaming at my ears as my feet thread noiselessly atop the parquet floor.
i am aimless.
just walking around. without a goal. without a destination.

i have loads of work to do.
and my list of assignments is screaming at me from my desktop
but somehow i just cant bring myself to get down to doing it.
its not that i am like depressed upset or anything
in fact i just feel well... empty.
and unable to concentrate on anything in particular.
unfocused, detached.
did i mention that i am finding it more than a little difficult to breate?